If you are anything like me, and a handful of my girlfriends, you are in your early 30’s (but you look 27, remember that!), single and independent but ultimately looking for that special one who will be lucky enough to be considered Mr. YOU. Oh, and you are probably playing the dating app/online game. I’m pretty competitive, but this is a game I am just not winning and it’s frustrating as hell. Mama don’t like to loose and quite frankly, 20-year-old me is very confused as to when we deviated from the plan: Meet a guy sophomore year, date throughout college, move to NYC together, get engaged/married and have kids around 30ish. Oh, sweet, young, naïve, little Erika. That train has left the station and is most certainly never coming home again.
So, now single ‘me’ can be found having lunch with my girlfriends on a Saturday, watching TV with the roommate on a Wednesday or entertaining myself for five minutes during work on a Thursday and all the while my phone is in my hand swiping right and left and reviewing emails from potential suitors. The most stable relationship I feel like I am in is with my Samsung and it only disappoints me now and then when it won’t keep a 100 percent charge while I’m constantly using it for music and finding that happily ever after.
Holy shit you guys! WTF (Wednesday): I think I’m dating my phone/dating apps!
It’s true, I’m head down in my phone and while I’m undoing all of my chiropractor’s hard work, I’m finding that it’s super frustrating to judge people based on only a few characters and a grainy photo; that shit is for Twitter. I don’t know how I am supposed to ensure that I’m not swiping left on the wrong guy when his photo looks to be from 1998 and his information is a quote from Anchorman. Congrats on your leather-bound books and mahogany scented den but it’s 2017 and I need to know if you’re a sociopath or my soul mate, k-thanks! Also is that your niece in the photo or your daughter? Why are there so many blonde lookalikes in your photo, which one are you? It’s enough to drive a girl, who is about to turn 33 next week, insane!
However, the thing that keeps me coming back to these apps is because everything I do is on my phone: food tracking, sending my girls memes on Instagram, writing ‘Happy Birthday, lovely!!’ to people I haven’t seen in eight years on Facebook because I want to come across cool/chill but also like someone who is better than just a regular old HBD, signing up for gym classes and more. What I’m saying is that my phone and I are tight, no it’s wonder these dating apps are so addicting and ultimately a time-killer during the day.
Except when they are not. I went through a sweet six-week period where I would message the Bees in my hive on Bumble and they were not down to write back. This was good for the self-esteem in that it allowed me to laugh at myself and the ridiculousness of this all and when I would share this fun-fact with people I would get a resounding ‘What? But you’re so amazing and cool! Their loss.” See? Good for the self-esteem. However, it’s really not my phone I’d like to be dating but a strapping, tall, brute of a man who will know what is wrong with my car just by listening to it and who also gets my sarcasm, love of jazz music and reaches things on the top shelf for me.
Like I mentioned, next WTF Wednesday will be my 33rd birthday (yes, gifts are welcomed!) and I want to go in with a phone the has enough storage space for the insane number of photos I plan on taking with my friends looking for that perfect selfie. And to do that, I think I’m going to have to delete these silly apps. Maybe by doing so I’ll say ‘yes’ more and live in the moment and get out and meet the man of my dreams at a bar. You know, the way 90’s rom-coms told me I would. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not breaking up with my phone, just the apps and the creepy profiles that say things like “Do it to her mind and her body will follow.” Guys, that’s real and also, really gross. So you see how awful it is out here, right? WTF?
So if you are like me, let’s put down the phone and go out for a glass of vino and enjoy this Florida spring weather. I mean, unless you wanna use your phone to like this post or leave a comment. Yes, I am that thirsty for your internet love…No shame!